Beggars can be Choosers
Roughly 2,500 years ago, a 28-year-old Indian prince named Siddhārtha Gautama shaved his head and facial hair and left his home in the middle of the night with only the clothes on his back, leaving behind a wife and newborn child.
After traveling to India and exploring different religions and spiritual practices, Siddhārtha concluded that life is suffering, and suffering is the result of desire. Upon this conclusion, Gautama became what we now know as the Buddha (or the enlightened one).
When I shared this story with my family, they couldn’t believe an iconic spiritual figure such as the Buddha was a deadbeat dad. And as a new 29-year father, they made it very clear I should not get any ideas about traveling the same path!
We now have a five-week-old son, and I have yet to skip town (although I still can’t convince Jess to let me go bald!). And although the expectations of me as a husband, father, and citizen are to contribute to everyday well-being and take care of my responsibilities, it is still a choice for me to stay and be Dad. It’s an easy choice, my love for our son makes it so, but it’s a choice nonetheless.
A few years ago, on our way to work, it was a freezing day in Ohio when my co-worker asked, “If you could live anywhere, where would you live?” I paused and thought for a moment and said, “I am choosing to live here, so I guess it would be Ohio.” Taken aback by my response, she replied, “Oh, that’s right. You don’t have kids keeping you here.”
The irony of this statement is that my colleague is an empty nester. Her “kids” are grown adults with jobs and college degrees, and yet it seems as if she has no other choice but to stay put to watch over the nest.
Of course, you cannot simply turn the Mom switch off once a son or daughter turns 18, and I’ll always be Dad to our son, but let’s not pretend we’re trapped with no other choices. Traditionally, socially, and culturally we have no other choice but to be parents. Still, the raw truth of reality is that physically, we can merely choose to be sperm or egg donors and go on our merry way. I know this is true because I’ve seen both men and women leave their children for someone else to raise. Parenting is a choice, not a trap.
Of course, I’m writing on parenting because I’m a new Dad. But this blog post isn’t as much about parenting as it is about choices. I’m using parenting as an example of how we tend to view responding to life events as a non-negotiable, but, in reality, our responses are daily choices. Even for the reader who’s not a parent, you ultimately choose to live life moment by moment by not removing yourself from it (and I’m glad this is the case).* As Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote to himself, “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.”
Many things in life are out of our control. But how we receive life events and our attitudes moving forward are always in our control. So when it comes to your health, mental health, and relationships, are you honest or a hostage? Are you helpful or merely harmless? Are you a hero or simply hopeless? The choice is yours, even when it doesn’t seem to be.
*You are not alone! It is better that you are here than not. Please reach out to help if you’re unsure by clicking or calling 988.